5 Biggest Baby Games For Babies

Since I exploded onto the scene in 2015 like something out of Die Hard, I’ve made it perfectly clear that video game are for babies. Especially anything that comes from Nintendo, a company so hocked up on primary colours, it should be made illegal.

As I get asked a lot: “Miller, what is the biggest baby game of them all?” I thought I’d compile my top 5 into a list, which, of course, is easy to read and quick to decipher. Like a children’s book. That’s for babies. Like you!

5 – Super Mario


I didn’t even have to type ‘Mario Video Games’ into Google. Just ‘Mario’. What a stupid world…

It pains me to this day that ‘Mario’ is the poster boy for the video games industry. It’s bad enough that someone gets paid to do his voice, which is not a real job, by the way. It’s worse that a fat, out of shape, fake plumber is what everyone thinks of when games are mentioned.

Let’s look at the facts, though. When was the last time you saw Mario on the job? The answer is never. If I employed Mario to fix my kitchen sink, I’d be on the phone to his higher-ups in seconds asking what the hell was going on. And believe you me: “He’s currently saving a mushroom” would not be a good enough excuse!

No wonder Bowser wants to end him. So do I! Lazy poindexter.

The man is essentially playing dress up while goofing off. And look at that moustache! You can’t trust someone that has that kind of facial hair. It means they’re up to something.

4 – Dark Souls


Cheer up, mate.

You know why Dark Souls is for babies? Because its fanbase acts like babies. 7 days a week. I’ve heard less bleating at a farm.

But, yes, the ‘Souls Community’ is so precious about its video game – much as a baby is with its bottle  – you’re not even allowed to hint that it may have issues without getting bundled over like a bunch of nerds at a Star Trek rally. They see that toothbrush on a stick Chewbacca and get all riled up.

How anyone can dedicate so much time to moaning is more perplexing than curling in the squat rack, but then it soon becomes clear. They have the time because they have nothing else to do. Like a baby. Waiting for its diaper to be changed. Because it pooed its pants. Like a Dark Souls player. Who will continue on playing even when they need the toilet. Disgusting!

3 – Professor Layton


I don’t want to know what’s on that piece of paper…

I’ve no idea what’s going on here but I’d love a full synopsis pronto. First and foremost, the relationship between Mr Puzzle Hat and Young Jabroni is troublesome at best. I don’t think you ought to be making such innuendo, Layton. It’s not right. It’s not right at all…

Worse than this, though, is how infantile it is to play. You can’t walk two steps without someone throwing a conundrum in your face that you’re expected to solve. And if you can’t solve it, said individual won’t help you out! Even if you’re dealing with a murder! That is straight up against the law.

It’s also straight up vicious. The only other entity on the planet that would react in such a way is a baby because of their unfinished brains. They don’t understand what’s going on; can’t comprehend the inner workings of adult life. It’s the only explanation for the chuffsters that walk around here singing and dancing like fools. They’re not finished.

It’s a disgrace.

2 – Devil May Cry


“Waaah! He’s got a different hair colour!” GET A REAL PROBLEM!

Clue’s in the name. Devil ‘may’ cry. May. Meaning there’s always a constant chance. And you know what else is always on the verge of firing off liquid bullets of sadness. Babies…

Fans of Capcom’s series should be offended to begin with, because not only is the developer refusing to be direct in what it’s telling you, but Dante never actually cries. So it’s also full of lies.

I tell you who did shed water from their vision goggles, though. The audience. Because their hero’s hair colour was changed. Are you kidding me? You can’t get over the fact someone pushed the palette option in Photoshop? What do you do when you have a real problem? Just keel over and die? Time to go back to school, chumps. You’ve learned nothing.

1 – Splatoon


Kill me.

Obviously. Let’s run through the checklist:

  • Squids
  • Paint
  • Nintendo
  • Ink
  • Squids
  • Swimming
  • Nintendo
  • Cartoons

See anything there that isn’t directly tied to baby activity? Exactly. Nintendo should be ashamed of itself for ever dreaming the idea up, let alone unleashing it on poor, unsuspecting victims like me. Although I obviously have never played it. I don’t video games. I’m not a moron.

To summarise, here’s everything wrong with Splatoon in a single image: