Why I Hate Gym Bros aka Lifting Morons

I am not a gym bro. While many of you idiots out there think I am because of my Herculean physique, I do not subscribe to the same nonsense these people do. And to be honest, using the term ‘people’ to describe them is the greatest compliment they’ve ever had in their lives. I like to go with ‘schlubs’.

You see, gym bros are everything that’s wrong with society. Carrying a sense of importance every time they swan into a lifting facility, they ruin things for everyone!

Do you really think I want to see you flexing in the mirror?

Do you really have no clue how to shut that hole in your face when lifting steel?

Do you really feel the need to show off your abs when you do that stupid thing with your top? And you know what I’m talking about. When you bend over slightly, tuck the XS vest you’re wearing under your chin and then start walking around like a crab hoping people notice your ‘six-pac’.

abs

You look like a crab in a hat.

YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN, COCO!

It gets worse, too, especially because the roaming gym bro doesn’t understand the basic rules of life. For example, if I’m pulverising my tingling deltoids with a glorious set of lateral raises, don’t come up to me and ask if I’m almost done. Do I look done? No. In fact, I couldn’t look more un-done if I tried.

In a state of repping, I am like a raw steak. You gotta leave me alone for at least a few minutes.

Why? Because I’m in the middle of the exercise, numnuts! You have literally wasted your breath which you’re going to need later when you’re pretending to deadlift. Get a clue and realise that the last thing I need when I’m sculpting is some toad trying to talk to me.

You ever read that in a fitness article? ‘Try chatting to someone mid-set for serious gains!’

No. You haven’t. And if you have, it’s because the author was you! And you’re a poindexter.

This isn’t even the end of it, though. For some reason, a gym bro thinks they’ve moved into the gym – as if the equipment laying around is furniture for them to take advantage of. That’s why when you go to use the last bench available, nine times out of ten, there’s someone’s jacket on it.

Now you’re a reasonable human being. You understand how the world works. So you pick up this piece of clothing, fold it nicely, and then put it on the floor. What happens next can only be compared to someone shouting at you in Russian: it’s loud, it’s angry, and it makes no damned sense.

Almost as soon as you touch the fabric, a gym bro appears to ask what you’re doing. Worse, they’re actually annoyed you had the audacity to use the bench for its intended purpose. That’s like getting mad at someone for opening a door and then walking through it.

THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT IT’S FOR!

gym1

Go home… and never leave.

You wouldn’t lean in the doorway of said door and shoo everyone away because they were interrupting your ‘angular time’. People would think you were insane, and guess what, so do most people in the gym. Just shut up and lift, for once in your damned life, and stop shouting at the end of every rep, too.

You’re not a dinosaur. And those 15kg dumbbells aren’t that heavy. Keep it quiet!

Finally, a list of things never to do in the gym. Because it’s stupid. And makes people hate you.

  • Blare music from your iPhone like a 14-year old teenager riding the bus home from school.
  • Wear jeans. What do you think this is? A saloon?!
  • Forget to put on deodorant. It’s bad enough we have to see your face, let alone smell you.
  • Overlift. You may think you look ‘badass’ before you attempt that 200kg bench press, but believe you me, you look like a chuffing gopher when it comes crashing down across your neck.
  • Skip leg day. Just squat, for goodness sake.